Posted by: Shira Danin | October 25, 2009

Inexplicable Flare Up

It has been almost a week since I started this blog in English.

I truly enjoy writing in two languages and getting complements about my writing.

(Further to my previous post about confidence, one of the things I was convinced not to be in my basket of talents, was writing)

So thank you, I’m very glad you enjoy reading me.

Whoever follows me on Facebook and twitter, knows I am having a few bad days (more than usual).

On a regular basis I have pain in my legs (hips knees and feet, and all that’s in between) and in my hands (fingers, wrist, elbows and shoulders)

As I wrote previously, the magic word (for me) is balance. Every day I try to learn how to balance myself, and understand the preferred dosages of everyday activities.

In the past two weeks I really felt like I was doing things right, or at least not over doing it.

I exercise and stretch, and rest a significant portion of day as well.

I thought I relatively understood what I can’t do and what I can.

And then, two days ago, when I finally got back the state of mind to learn and catch up on the SEO world, I crashed again.

To be accurate, my body crashed and took my spirit with it.

During the day (Thursday) the condition of my knees got worse and worse till it was really difficult to stand (let alone walk or do anything else on my feet).

After picking up Tomer at the train station (we live about an hour apart during the week) my body kept deteriorating until the pain in all my limbs became intolerable. Picking up a half full glass of water was a challenge, it felt so heavy. Getting up off the couch was a challenge. And they were all joined by the “pleasure” of sensitive skin.  Every soft touch was (is) painful and unpleasant. When I touched my own skin it hurt, same as with my cat’s tail and the really sad one was when Tomer touched me, to give me a hug or comfort me. No position relieved the pain.

I couldn’t think of anything else. The pain was so strong and spread out that after about two hours of keeping my emotions and thoughts inside, I burst out crying in agony.

It was so similar and reminiscent of the 8 days I spent in the hospital. I was hospitalized before I was diagnosed with fibro. At the time they thought it was some sort of arthritis.

I felt so helpless.

I know Tomer felt helpless as well. He couldn’t give me a massage which sometimes helps the pain, because of the skin sensitivity. I was nauseous so I didn’t want anything to eat or drink. He asked me to tell him if there is anything he can do for me.

Due to the fact that I had no idea how the help myself, I had no answer.

We took a shower because the hot water dims down the pain a little and I needed something to help me stop crying. On the way to the shower I was crying still, Tomer had to help me take off my clothes. It reminded me of the hospital days when my mother helped me get undressed, shower and get dressed again.

After the shower I went back to being  “laughing at the fibro” Shira. I told Tomer “I feel your frustration (for not being able to help me) in the tip of my little pinky, the rest of the body is my pain and frustration.

A big part of my frustration stemmed from the fact that I really do not understand what caused this current flare up.

I am so trying to be a Good Little Fibro Girl and balance. For some reason, it seems my body doesn’t care about my attempts at balance.

It is 8 in the morning now. I got up at 6+ and started writing. I know the morning is my last chance to write because as I am distanced by time from my hour of awakening the physical condition and level of pain just get worse and worse.

The wine from last night’s dinner allowed me to partially disconnect from the pain and frustration for a limited amount of time.

This morning I’m back to my achy breaky old self.

If you know someone with fibro or someone close to someone with fibro, I would be grateful if you send them to read my blog.

It helps knowing you are not alone.

Whoever really wants to understand life with fibro or other invisible illnesses, I invite you to read a story called “The Spoon Theory.” (click on the link). I think she gives a very vivid and powerful description of this challenging life we live.

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