Posted by: Shira Danin | February 11, 2010

Reaching my Thoughts

Since I wrote my previous post about a week ago, I sort of immersed myself in painting. I finished my “first” flowers drawing (my dad said first because he’s certain there will be more flower paintings to come, he’s a botanist). I started the flowers in early December just when my hands got worse and the semester got busy.

I drew a painting inspired by the watsu treatments I’m undergoing.

Yesterday I started preparing the drawing I’m going to give Tomer.

When I stopped the flowers drawing in the middle, I also stopped writing my blog. As I wrote before, I felt that I cannot spend my little remaining strength in my hands on non school activities.

This doesn’t mean I stopped thinking, or that I stopped getting ideas to write about. I just couldn’t write. In retrospect I think I should have written pointers to remind myself later.

My way of spending my semester break is compiled of: sleep, rest, drawing and now a little writing.

I think it’s an excellent way of passing my free time because my body needs sleep and rest.

I hope the rest will help my leg relax so I can get back to strengthening it with exercises.

And now, I’ll try to write down some of the thoughts and things I need and want to get out.

I was recently asked, why do I feel the need to share my inner thoughts and private issues with the whole world and not just the closest to me?

The answer is, I’m not sure what it is about this media, of an open blog for everyone to see in English and Hebrew, brings out my ability to express myself in writing. Maybe it’s the option of getting comments and feedback from people I don’t know; people who don’t know me.

Maybe it’s because it’s hard for me to create new connections with people. Every new person in my life hears a lecture but fibro and my life with her. And many times I just don’t have the strength to do it. Furthermore I have no room to contain other people. I have very little space to contain my close friends and family, I feel I just don’t have room for new people.

So, through writing, I can get things out. I think hearing about this all the time is hard even for the people closest to me. So this way I can share with a lot of people.

Gladly I don’t have close friends with fibro, nor do I have any family members with fibro.

And so, through writing I get to meet many women and maybe a man or two with fibro. The comments from my sisters in pain affect me a lot and make me happy.

And besides all these reasons, it just makes it easy for me with the people that are in my life. They can read and understand and then I don’t need to explain everything over and over again.

Another issue that has been keeping my thoughts busy is the way I treat people. I noticed, or others bring it to my attention, that I can be pretty mean and not nice to people. And I am actually discovering a kind of hostility in me. I think the hostility comes out mostly when I’m in serious pain.

When I’m squirming with pain and still have to go out and communicate with the world, I probably allow myself to be short and bitchy. I try to fight it, but sometimes I don’t have enough strength to stop what comes up in my head from coming out.

I don’t think I should judge myself too harshly. I really am doing my best to remain calm and nice. When it hurts too much I try to stay at home and then I don’t have to deal. And to conclude, I think it’s natural, when there is more pain, there’s more anger and anxiety.

I’m starting to think of all the changes coming in a few months. It wouldn’t hurt to get ready ahead of time (mainly mentally). Perhaps getting ready ahead of time will help with some of the stress that comes from such a move.

There are a lot of changes that scare me and excite me: changing therapists (shiatsu, acupuncture, watsu), sharing my life with someone, how will the cats handle the move, how will I handle the move, what will be my body’s status, will I be able to work. Who knows?

I still feel there are a lot of things I wanted to write and still didn’t. They flew out of my head. I hope they come back at some point and that I’ll be able to write when they do.

And to finish on a funny note, this is me while getting my tattoo:

check out an older post about OPTIMISIM

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Responses

  1. I am so glad to see that it is not just me that get angry or bitchy because of my pain. I mean I wish we didn’t have to get that way, I like being happy and in a good mood.
    I blog for some of the same reasons you do, it gives me an outlet to vent! I know my friends and family get tired of hearing me….but I need to get it out sometimes.
    I LOVE YOUR FLOWER PAINTING!!! I LOVE FLOWERS AND BRIGHT COLORS….:)


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