Posted by: Shira Danin | April 30, 2010

A New Pain and the Despair that follows

Carrying on from my previous post about my emotional breakdown earlier this month, the situation hasn’t really improved since, it even got worse.

Since I got a wisdom tooth pulled about two months ago, which I wrote about in dealing with life the pain in my jaw hasn’t passed. The side of the tooth (left) hasn’t stopped hurting and was/is radiating to my entire jaw and face.

About two weeks ago a sharp pain started on the right side. It was such a sharp pain in the area of the wisdom teeth that I was sure I needed another tooth pulled out. I immediately started thinking about the previous pulling and the pain that hasn’t passed. Just the thought of talking about the pain and coping with the dental treatments, caused me to start crying.  I felt like I was having another emotional breakdown.

The first thing I thought of, was that I don’t trust the local anesthesia. I wanted to check if there was an option of general anesthesia. However, I knew there was no chance I would be able to talk to the clinic and dentist without crying. My dad knows our dentist for many years now. So I called my dad and asked him to check about the general anesthesia. The moment I started talking I already had tears in my eyes.

Regardless of the Fibro I have a tendency to mumble. Add the tears and runny nose I could barely explain myself. When my dad asked why I can’t call myself I burst out crying, which helped my explain why I couldn’t do it. My dad was very happy to help (since there is so little others can do to help me) and checked with the dentist.

The dentist said it was possible but a bit excessive for a tooth pulling. My mom convinced me to come over to Jerusalem so he could check why it hurts so much. It felt I like I have an abscess or a gums pimple. Before I left for the hour and half drive to Jerusalem I flossed and brushed my teeth. The dental floss popped my abscess so it hurt a little less by the time I got to the dentist. He gave me some antibiotics and scheduled a tooth pulling ten days later. My dad came with me to the dentist because I was afraid I won’t be able to talk from too much crying.

Because of my previous treatment there I felt so traumatized from the clinic, and I knew it was a little bit my fault. I didn’t stop the dentist enough. He is a good dentist and has been taking care of my family for many years.

After I explained about the Fibro and the problems that fibro patients have in dental treatments he was very nice and calming. Because my entire jaw hurts and not just one specific tooth, he decided (when I came in after the antibiotics) there’s no need to pull the tooth.  The structure, the angle, everything is fine, just a lot of pain.

On Israel’s independence day (a day before my planned visit at the dentist) I spent most of the day at Tomer’s parents’ house and I was crying most of the time. It was hard, and it still is hard to stop crying. Tomer hugged me before we went to sleep because he noticed I couldn’t calm down. Gladly his hug calmed me down, though I was surprised.

Eventually, I got through the day safely, and instead of suffering post tooth pulling pain I spent 6 hours in front of the computer to finish another school paper in time. Lately there has been way too much school work, and I can’t concentrate while I do it. The lack of concentration and pain force me to sit down longer to complete a normal amount of work. I finish my day complelty drained at 5 pm. In this condition my hands are burning from the pain and are completely drained of energy. My legs are the same and I want to cry.

The overload of school work is slowing down for now so it is harder for me to write my posts. I can’t wait to finish school and not have to work on this article or this paper.

It just isn’t right for me anymore. I suffer in class; I suffer at home when I do my school work. Just getting to class and not crying during class is a crazy challenge for me. I feel like I’m on the verge of crying all day long. I’m not interested enough in most things we learn in class, even if I do understand everything! It is an inner struggle to keep concentrating and keep studying.

The crying I mentioned in my previous post about “emotional breakdown” is not going away. The doctor gave me pills that are supposed to help with the anxiety but also said I should go back to my psychiatrist so he would give me something different than Cymbalta.

I hope I can manage to overcome the suffering in order to finish my university duties. I hope it happens before I crash down completely, physically and emotionally.

During the past week I was working on an analysis presentation of an article that Omri and I had to do a couple of days ago. I was really stressed from presenting the article. Last time we prepared a presentation we didn’t have enough time and we weren’t ready. So the whole event was very dramatic and traumatic. I was shaking all over, breathing fast, my heart was pounding and the pain was pounding all over.

This time we succeeded in preparing adequately and felt much readier. Lucky we were allowed to present first (out of three teams) so I didn’t have time to store pain from sitting in the chair, which I did manage to do when we were done with our presentation.

I felt good with our presentation, there was an interesting discussion and I even had a little fun.

Only one presentation left to do till I complete my degree.

For those who follow me on Facebook, you already know I finished translating The Spoon Theory into Hebrew. I am waiting for the author to publish my translation on her site and then I can get the link out to everyone in Israel. The story is published on butyoudontlooksick.com.

Part of the proofreading I asked my parents to do. They helped a lot, and mostly I was glad to see it helped them internalize my condition and it gave us a language with which we can talk about my difficulties.

I hope the story gets published soon.

Carrying on from a previous post, a friend of mine, a woman of the cinema, suggested we do a Documentary about me and Fibro, so we can try to raise awareness together. I am now starting the process of filing for disability with the government (which is also scary) and I think that gave her the idea to make a movie and raise awareness.

This is a wonderful opportunity to check out how much time is left till I leave the south of Israel and moving in with Tomer:

92 days

2211 hours

132700 minutes

And to end on a positive note, Tomer got me a new game for the Playstation: HEAVY RAIN. An amazing game. It’s not a shooting and running kind of game so even I (with my hand pain) can play this game. I’m glad I’m a cool girlfriend and get excited from “guy stuff”. Apparently most girls aren’t interested in computer or Playstation games or soccer (which is the Israeli sport) (or even comics if I think of a past boyfriend) .

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: